After the Betrayal: Shadow Work for Healing Hearts

sherry jerimie
Jan 30
4 min read

Woman in contemplative pose representing the emotional journey of healing after betrayal through shadow work

How to stop exiling your pain, break painful patterns, and begin the slow work of coming back to yourself

ENRICH Global | Psychoeducational Series

Betrayal doesn't just break trust. It breaks your sense of reality. The person you thought you knew becomes a stranger. The future you imagined evaporates. And you're left holding pieces of a life that no longer makes sense.

If you're here, you're probably cycling through waves of pain, rage, numbness, and desperate searching for answers. That cycling is normal.

It's not a sign that you're doing healing wrong—it's a sign that your psyche is trying to process something that shattered your sense of the world.

"Betrayal isn't one wound. It's a thousand small deaths—of trust, of innocence, of the future you thought you were building together."

What Healing Actually Requires

Most betrayal recovery advice focuses on the relationship: Should you stay or go? Can trust be rebuilt? Is forgiveness possible? These are important questions—but they're not the only ones.

Beneath the question of "what do I do about us" is a deeper question: What do I do about me? How do I make sense of my own emotions? How do I stop the obsessive thoughts? How do I face the parts of myself that betrayal has exposed?

The Parts That Come Alive

Betrayal has a way of waking up parts of you that have been dormant—sometimes for years. Rage you didn't know you had. Jealousy you feel ashamed of. A desperate need to control what happens next. These parts aren't weaknesses. They're protectors. They're trying to keep you safe in a world that just proved itself unsafe.

Shadow Play: Meeting Your Exiled Parts

In Internal Family Systems therapy, we call these "exiled" emotions—feelings so painful or shameful that we push them away. Betrayal brings them roaring back. Instead of fighting them, what if you got curious?

What is my rage trying to protect me from?

What does my jealousy fear will happen if it stays quiet?

What does the part of me that wants to control everything need to feel safe?

The goal isn't to eliminate these parts—it's to understand them. When we stop exiling our pain, we stop being controlled by it.

The Couples Archetypes: Roles That Keep Us Stuck

After betrayal, couples often fall into unconscious roles that feel protective but actually keep the relationship (and healing) stuck. Recognizing these patterns is the first step to changing them:

Common Relational Traps

The Rescuer

Tries to fix, manage, and smooth everything over. Exhausted from holding it all together.

The Victim

Feels powerless, stuck in pain. May use suffering as a way to stay connected.

The Pursuer

Chases answers, reassurance, closeness. The more they pursue, the more the other retreats.

The Distancer

Withdraws, shuts down, needs space. The more they retreat, the more the other pursues.

The Critic

Points out every failure, keeps score, can't let go of what happened.

The Performer

Tries to prove change through action. Exhausted by never feeling "good enough."

These roles aren't character flaws—they're protective adaptations. The pursuer learned that persistence gets needs met. The distancer learned that withdrawal is safety. Healing requires recognizing the role, understanding its origin, and choosing something different.

The Five Hidden Goals in Conflict

🕊️

Peace

Just want calm

🔍

Truth

Need full honesty

🎛️

Control

Need predictability

💕

Closeness

Want connection

😌

Relief

Want pain to stop

When one person wants peace, and the other wants truth, every conversation becomes a collision. The bridge between these goals isn't compromise—it's understanding. You want peace. They want understanding. Can we find space for both?

"In Yoruba wisdom, it is said: the heart knows what the mouth cannot yet speak. What is your heart trying to say?" — Ancestral Wisdom

The Repetition Breaker Ritual

If you've been having the same argument over and over—the one that starts small and ends in devastation—you know how painful cycles can be. This ritual is for those moments when you feel the familiar pattern beginning:

Breaking the Cycle in Real Time

Pause

Notice the familiar feeling rising. Name it: "This is the pattern."

Name It Out Loud

"I can feel us heading toward the same place. I don't want to go there."

Breathe

Three slow breaths. Let your nervous system settle before your mouth speaks.

Choose One Different Response

Not a perfect response. Just one thing different than what you usually do.

Affirm Your Choice

"I choose not to reenact this. I'm ready to respond from somewhere new."

The Body Remembers

Betrayal lives in the body. The knot in your stomach when their phone buzzes. The tension in your shoulders when they come home late. The hypervigilance that makes you scan for danger even when there's none.

Healing isn't just cognitive, it's somatic. Your body needs to learn that it's safe again. This takes time, patience, and practices that move beyond talking about pain into releasing it.

"In many Indigenous traditions, the body is the first truth-teller. What is yours saying right now?" — Cross-Cultural Wisdom

Questions for Your Healing Journey

What emotions have you been exiling since the betrayal? What might they need from you?

What role do you tend to fall into when conflict arises? What does that role protect you from?

If you could respond to pain from a completely new place—what would that look like?

"You are not broken. You are breaking through. This pain is not the end of your story—it's the beginning of a different one."

Healing Is Not Linear

Some days you'll feel strong. Other days, the grief will knock you sideways. Both are part of the process. Healing doesn't mean never hurting again,

it means developing a relationship with your pain that allows you to keep living, keep growing, keep moving toward the person you're becoming.

You don't have to have it all figured out. You just have to keep showing up—for yourself.

Ready to Begin Your Shadow Work Journey?

Explore The Void — A guided psychoeducational journey for processing betrayal, examining the parts of yourself that emerged from the wound, and finding your way back to wholeness through Internal Family Systems-informed practices.

© ENRICH Global. This content is for educational purposes and is not a substitute for professional therapy. Betrayal recovery often benefits from working with a trained couples therapist or individual counselor. If you're in crisis, please reach out to a qualified professional.